Kid These Days

There she came again: my resonating dissonance. A person who looked exactly like me, in attire of a different colour and style each time. Sometimes she appeared in winter clothes at the corner of the room. I would say that she dressed in the wrong season, and I had already donated the skirt she was wearing --to which she would just laugh.

After I released her from Pitlochry a few months ago, she visited me several times like a homeless ghost. I know it means she has freedom now, but I also know that I never expected her to come. She should have been free after being held hostage for years. But the more guilt I held for her, the more she looked at me with a worried face. I hate that worried face. Seriously, after all those years, is she still worried about me? What has been changed?

Nevertheless, I have grown, right? I have matured a lot, haven’t I? I have become much stronger than before, right?

The night is clear, and my room is well-lighted. As I sat against the wall, counting the number of sheep that brought me to sleep, I tried to smile at her. I told her I felt a bit sad, but it was nothing. I promised her I would have a proper sleep tomorrow. There were fireworks tonight, and my childlike mind would want to see them, so I stayed awake. She could see through my lie but knew I would not give up with my excuse. 

I could feel her patting my head as she disappeared. She knew I would hold my tears as my stubbornness took over my rationale. More than anyone else in this world, she is the person I do not want to hurt anymore. Self-betrayal should not be justified in any case, like I did many times before, and I had punished myself big times already. 

I told her the next day that if she decided to come again one day, please check the weather beforehand. If the weather is nice, come to me, and I will show you that things are much better these days. If the weather is bad, please stay at home. I no longer search for water in a dry river. I am a bottomless well myself. This world itself is full of water. I still laugh easily as usual, too; why worry so much, you kid?

Yogyakarta, 24 November 2023

Intan

The picture is from a personal collection.