The Weather(wo)man

My close friend, a psychology start-up founder and best-selling author who is also a depression survivor, declared that he was finally free from decades-long clinical depression two years ago. Knowing his legit background and experiences, I wonder how he could measure that. Having to battle with the same demon for almost 8 years made me extremely curious.

He said it is nothing about the measurement. Being free of depression means you are no longer a hostage to it. In fact, he experienced another episode just a week prior to our chat. However, depression did not scare him and take the best away of his life anymore. In short, depression did not feel like shit anymore.

I am glad to hear his response. I thought there would be a magic that would erase my depression altogether –then why did it not happen to me? But, if being free means I am no longer scared of it, then I think I have done a good job. After several years, depression is finally something I can sit with. No one in the room can even tell that I am taking it to the meetings and parties from time to time. It even appears confidently side by side with my cheerful disposition.

Let me share my takeaway. 

Depression is a condition everyone has to live with once they experience it. Some people liken it to asthma. No sane person asks for depression. It comes like an unwanted guest. Some people were born with it, while some might experience it later in life. The first time you experience a depressive episode, especially during the full-blown one, it hits you like a huge storm. You lose your navigation. You lose yourself. You hardly find a way out to save yourself. Most of the time, you don't even know what happens to you; suddenly, all the sparks are gone, and the world becomes pitch-black. You lose count on asking when everything will end.

Day after day. Year after year. In a better (or worse, you tell) analogy, depression becomes another part of you –if not a very good friend with a notoriously gloomy personality. Now, imagine living side by side with your friend for a long time; what will happen to you? You start learning about them and get a better handling of them over time. 

The moment you decide to face and embrace it, another path unfolds by itself. The moment you accept your condition as it is and set aside the denial, you also start learning how to deal with it. As time passes, you train yourself as a skilled weather(wo)man. You know how to avoid the storm, what preparations should be made, which survival kit is necessary, and to an extent, you learn how to keep your sanity intact when in the storm's eye.

Depression is a necessary lesson that I am grateful to have ever experienced. Don't get me wrong; I was not an all-positive person in the first place. I hated it at first, but over time, I realised that I could not flip the earth so that I could be born another person. Accepting the friend I have to live with is years-long of nasty shadow works. The processes turned me into a skilled weatherwoman. It's a course worth multiple credits. 

For some people, being sensitive is not cool. Being a person who feels so much is deemed weak by many. Remember how many times we shut down people's feelings and tell them that they are too sensitive just so that our shitty behaviour could get a pass? Remember how many times we told our sad friend to rise and seize the day without trying to empathise? 

Our emotion is a large part of us, but most are too busy avoiding it. We're so detached and scared of the discomfort of our emotions that we seek refuge in distraction. Social media, games, porn, mindless shopping, food craving, you name it –all the escape plans. Whereas, dealing with depression is a long, ugly battle. It takes a great deal of perseverance just to survive another day. We are given no choice but to face the horrible weather that is our emotions.

However, while others might live their life in autopilot mode and unaware of their emotions, those people with diagnosed (and treated) mental illnesses know what is going on with them. At the end of the day, should these people be able to hang on, they will master a gladiator match. When the next beast comes into the ring, they are packed with strategy to beat them. With another metaphor, a skilled weather(wo)man. 

After several years of constant counsel and learning, a weather(wo)man can predict when the rain will fall just from a slight temperature change, the sound of the wind, or the movement of clouds. We have got a much better knowledge of our condition. We are aware of our feelings. We even communicate with them. We know when our brain sends a wrong signal to cope with things we fear. We know that our fear might align to a deeper underlying issue within ourselves –and we investigate that issue. We understand why we want to do certain things and judge whether or not it's good for us. We know when we are craving food because we are hungry or stressed. And many other things that we learn along the way. 

We got to know the weather, which is our own emotions. Isn't it a valuable training? Lao Tzu once said, "Knowing others is wisdom; knowing yourself is enlightenment". It starts from us and onto the others and surroundings.

Yogyakarta, 24/7/2021

Intan

The picture is from the author's personal collection.